“Ffunny Ffrends” (2011) by Unknown Mortal Orchestra
“Ffunny Ffrends” (2011) by Unknown Mortal Orchestra
I work in a cubicle and my hilarious work colleague, Alfie, works in the cubicle next door. Alfie is probably the funniest guy I know. The dude is hilarious. There’s a 1-meter cubicle wall between us, where we throw stupid stuff over onto eachother like pencils or, one time, a glass of water. That dickhead instigated that one. We both were given a verbal warning by our boss’s boss, though our immediate boss had no issue with it. She, in fact, told us that such carry-on would never get us fired but that if we were gonna prank eachother, we were to make sure it wouldn’t involve anyone else, because apart from Me, Alfie and our boss, the rest of the staff in our office have no sense of humour and are also very irascible people. That just let us be, I guess.
Just as a reminder, our boss glued a figurine to the wall between us that she got from one of those $2 Chinese stores, of Gandalf the Wizard. She reminded us to prank only eachother and that everyone else ‘shall not pass.’ That was fine with us. Thus, he continued cellotaping my ex-girlfriend’s face on my computer and I microwaved four cheese sandwiches INTO his chair. We are truly idiots.
As would have it, one time we were talking about sex in the cafeteria. As you do! No one else was there, so it was okay. He was talking about how he loves how his girlfriend licks his balls. This guy: no discretion whatsoever! He made gestures with his arms of how she digs into his crotch like a scavenger finding food. Alfie even mixed it with dog noises and Lil’ Wayne lyrics. Shockingly, I was fine to eat my sushi during it. But during his spiel, he mentioned something. I said, what was that? He semi-repeated, she’s gotta tongue stud
- No, no, no, you said she also licks your what?
- My Gooch!
- What is that?
- Gooch. Y’know that area just under ya balls?
- What the fuck are you talking about?
I wasn’t shocked at his stories of sexual antics, which is typical for a Thursday morning, and less worse than what I could conjure up. I was still eating my sushi, actually. I was more shocked at his interpretation.
- That area, it’s called a Gooch.
- No, it’s not. It’s called a Perry.
Alfie’s arms flailed.
- PERRY! What d’ya mean Perry!? Maybe in the gay world it’s called Perry. But no, it’s called Gooch – Coz’ it’s near the Cooch. It’s called Gooch.
- You have no idea what the fuck you are talking about. Who taught you that? It’s called Perry.
- No, it’s called Gooch – Everyone I know calls it Gooch.
- Everyone you know? What? You and your boyfriends? Licking eachothers’ Gooch! It’s called Perry. It’s truthfully called a Perineum. And Perry is short for Perineum.
- What are you talking about? Perennial means ‘every five years.’
- No, that’s Quinquennial, ya stupid fuckwit.
Magdalene, a fellow office worker, who’s a Christian feminist walked in. An ample opportunity to leave this ridiculous conversation with him … only on provision that I am triumphant in winning it. He continued:
- What are you talking about? Look, I’ll show on the internet, it’s called Gooch. Here, I’ll show you on the Internet.
Magdalene pulled her emblematically offended face. I whispered to him as we left the cafeteria:
- No! It’s Perry, it’s Perennial. That’s the actual scientific name between the genitals and the anus.
Alfie jogged back to his desk, more eager to show me that I was wrong. I wandered back – confident in science. To ensure no one else in the office knew what we were talking, we just argued softly back and forth with ‘no, it’s not’, ‘yes, it is’, ‘no, it’s not’, ‘yes, it is’, ‘no, it’s not.’
I put my leftover sushi on my desk while he wanted me to look at his computer. He didn’t even sit down. He leaned over and was typing it in. (Don’t worry about I.T. Geoff who works there on the seventh floor wouldn’t care. And to be fair, he’s as horrible as well.)
- Here, come look at my computer, it’ll show you!
I couldn’t be bothered going to his computer, which was only 116 centimetres away.
- No, do don’t do that. Don’t bother. The internet is so full of crap. With this subject matter, you can find any evidence. You’ll evidence that Elvis is still alive on the Internet. It’s Perry.
- Quiet down. I’m going to urbandictionary.com, I’ll show you! That’s a trusted website.
- Urbandictionary! Are you kidding me?! No, no, no, no.
This was getting ridiculous. I was better off asking someone here – one of these deadbeats who no light in their life that they would sway my argument with seriousness and facts. I looked around to the other four-way cubicle, but Evelyn caught my vision first. “Evelyn!” Her face was as typical as the other people in this room. She exhausted a minor puff of disappointment in me calling her. “Yes.” “Y’gotta settle a score for us ….”
Now, Evelyn is a 66 year old Filipino woman who’s been in this office for over 40 years. She hates everyone in this building EQUALLY. She knows the ins and outs of this office better than the entire lot of bosses do. Even they are afraid of pissing her off. But she is a great worker. She cuts through all the administrative rubbish to do her job promptly and succinctly. But unbeknownst to most people, she has a fantastic wit. Only two jokers like us would push her buttons just for the hell of it, only to be surprised that underneath that mean demeanour, she’s just as sarcastic as me and Alfie. She’s a woman of experience and knowledge. The perfect person to answer this question:
- what do you call that thing between the dick and the asshole?”
Eveyln looked at both of us and said:
She walked calmly back towards the elevator.