100 Days Project

Ben: 100 Writings / 100 Opening Guitar Hooks

various, random creative expressions / writings, inspired partially by 100 popular songs (songs that somewhat begin with a leading hook of a guitar.)

Day 73:

“Ruined” (2003) by Atsushi Yokozeki

“Ruined” (2003) by Atsushi Yokozeki

Me and the wife are going for a holiday.  We bought the babysitter two tins of milk powder.  That should be enough.  As we boarded the plane, we saw the news.  We rang to the babysitter to say we’d reimburse her.  Thanks Fonterra, fuckwits.  This trip was almost ruined.

I’m pretty sure the sign 10 meters ago said, “Merge like a Zip.”  Where in the world are you driving, idiot?!  And who the hell drives a 1986 blue Saab!??  Thanks fuckwit.  My drive to work was almost ruined.

“So the Queen of England says-” and just as I was about to say the punchline, Rhys jumped in and said, “that’s a big black cock!”  The boys laughed at the joke that this piece of shit stole off me, taking credit.  I looked at Rhys.  Thanks Rhys, fuckwit.  You ruined it.

I hopped off Facebook that day.  I turned my phone off that day.  But when I came home my girlfriend told me what happened during the Red Wedding.  I told her specifically not to talk about ‘Game of Thrones’.  Thanks, baby.  “Fuc-  … I said nothing!”

The building manager of my apartment block sent out a message asking whether anyone wanted the latest physical copy of the Yellow Pages.  Knowing my building – full of young twenty-somethings; no one would ask for a copy.  That’s what the internet was invented for.  One day, I went down to the Rubbish room and found an entire stack of the building’s Yellow Pages – all 200 copies, ready to be collected by the rubbish men.  Now, I know the building manager would’ve said to Telecom, “No, thank you.”  But Telecom sent them anyway.  That’s a dozen Brazilian trees just absolutely wasted for no fucking reason.  Thanks Telecom, fuckwits.  The forests are ruined. 

When I heard it was going to be played in our village, I was excited as I’m a huge Stanley Kubrick fan.  I was 22 years old.  But the local priest said ‘A Clockwork Orange’ was immoral and should be banned.  I finally saw the film last month, after a 31 year lifting of the embargo.  Thanks Vicar McDougall, fuckwit.  My correct sequence of Stanley Kubrick watching has been forever ruined.

I’ve been living in Elizabeth, New Jersey my entire life.  Nothing used to happen here.  Now, asshole tourists come around with their cameras, smoking big cigars, in fast, flashy cars, talking misogynist and indulgently, thinking they’re cool, when they’re not.  Thanks Sopranos, fuckwits.  My small town has been ruined.

I told Michael to sit down or else Miss would keep us in for detention this break time.  I said, ‘don’t do it, bro, coz we’re gonna miss out on playing outside, bro.’  Michael couldn’t help himself.  He told our teacher she was as stupid bitch.  Thanks Michael, fuckwit.  My two minute lunchtime dream of being Billy Slater has been ruined.

Twitter trolls.  You are fuckwits.  Please stop.  You are ruining everything.

Their performance of “Little Lion Man” was so cool.  The auditorium was packed.  Me and my girlfriends were loving the show.  Then gorgeous Mumford said on the mic, “okay, we’re gonna do a really quiet number, no amps, no electricity.”  All four members stood a meter away from one mic and began to sing in a cappella.  They were so cool.  Everyone was hushed in the mesmerising beauty of their voices.  THEN some fuckwit at the back said they should hop back on the guitars and play some fucking rock and roll.  Then told Mumford and Sons they were a bunch of cunts.  Thanks fuckwit.  Though the boys continued on, the song’s been ruined.

The guy in front of me in the line was pissed off that there was only one teller.  ‘Where’s the rest of them?!  I need to sort out my banking now!’  I thought to myself, ‘chill out dude, other people need to have lunch too, y’know!  Why didn’t you make the decision to come to the bank earlier.  This minor inconvenience will not result in your life being ruined.  Chill out.

I vote Democrat.  Always have, always will.  But my wife, forever the Republican, bought tickets for us to attend a seminar with former President George W Bush.  But I gotta admit, I’d like to hear his viewpoints now that he’s outta the game.  Of course, my wife had to provide all the necessary security information and documents to ensure everything would be hunky dory once we sat in our seats.  George got into five minutes of his speech before a heckler immediately behind us stood up and began screaming at him, calling him a liar and a war criminal.  He was eventually escorted out but now I remember why I hated Dubya in the first place.  Thanks George, fuckwit.  America as a Superpower is now ruined.  Then I remembered that I’m older and that there are better ways to express your political beliefs.  Thanks, protesting fuckwit.  As if the hearing in my left ear was already ruined.  But most of all, how the fuck did he get in here!  We paid over $500 and had to have strangers check our anuses before we were allowed in.  Thanks security, fuckwits.  Our night has truly been ruined.

Napster did have some problems.  I looked for one of my favourite songs, “Everything’s Ruined” by Faith No More.  By the time I found the folder and the file and seeded it internally to my computer, which took an entire day, I opened the mp3 to find out it was instead this crappy, wanky, Joe Satriani-like, Progressive rock guitar shit by some Japanese guy.  Thanks, fuckwit.  Rename your files properly.  My respect for illegal downloading has been ruined.