100 Days Project

Karma: Buddhism for Assholes

This is a project that's been on my backburner for about two years. So I'm writing everyday for the next 100. In the process I hope to find my way back to my voice, back to my life and back to my practice.
Here's to shaking off Asshole 2.0.

practice has come back to me so easily. Though I admit I took my sweet time getting around to it.

Today I’ve been challenged in possibly the smallest, dumbest way. But I can feel it nibbling at the corners of my thoughts. Pinching my anxieties awake.

All it took was a registered letter. Don’t know who from (Poland is the sender – are they calling the Jews home?) or what it concerns. But I can’t think of a reason it could be good. And my mind is more than happy to help fill in the blanks. I also can’t do anything about it until tomorrow. Thanks, Sunday.

So when the thoughts start running again, I try to be still. I spend a minute being present and trying to slow the thoughts.

This has been a theme this week. I heard or read or watched something once that spoke of anxiety being a result of a situation out of one’s control. I’m fairly certain it was Dr Phil, so I’ll just put the “who” aside for now.

This week I’ve spent watching my thoughts – the beginnings of meditation – to see where they took me. Why I was so rattled. For the most part, the noise in my head was telling me I was in a situation I would not be able to manage. What if the old boyfriend (who has so thrown me for a loop I didn’t see coming) has decided I’m too difficult? What if he goes away for good? When I think about that, I can’t breathe.

Buddhists often talk about how challenges are presented to help further the practice. They often manifest as difficult people or settings.

Today, for me, it’s mail.

I’ve been working so hard to tame my mind. Not letting thoughts get the best of me. Not succumbing to anxieties that have plagued me for weeks or months or years or decades. Lately it’s been most specifically about one relationship and I’ve come a long way since even the beginning of the year. I’m grateful this part of my

Or so I tell myself. This week I reminded myself to breathe. To not go down the vortex of whatever the hell it is this boy does to me. As a result, this week has brought me peace the last nine months has not.

So I’m going to do the same with this fucking registered letter. There are lots of things it can be; and only a couple I can’t handle. But I’m going to breathe and get present until there’s something to worry about. (Do you believe this? I’m pretty sure I don’t. But I’ll work on it. If nothing else, the work is worth it.)

Getting tested sucks. But man does it happen a lot.

Day 6:

Getting Tested