“November 22nd 1963” (1979) by Destroy All Monsters
"November 22nd 1963" (1979) by Destroy All Monsters
So … who killed Kennedy?
Fidel Castro – His ego was so huge I wouldn’t have been surprised if he was behind this. The Bay of Pigs invasion thankfully ended in peaceful terms, even if it was the closest we’ve been to WWIII, but knowing El Presidente, he probably thought the President would have to go, to ensure another invasion wouldn’t happen again.
Eco-Terrorists – I didn’t make this up, honestly. I read somewhere that some loonys went apeshit over a nuclear reactor meltdown in Idaho in 1961 and thought beheading the government would better their chances for a safer world. Those crazy hippies!
Majestic 12 – I read JFK was gonna release information as to what really happened in Roswell. But I guess some guy thought the truth about Aliens should be forever closed. And probably used an intergalactic rifle to shoot him all the way from Nevada. Whatevah.
South Vietnam – Wanna know how to end the Vietnam War? Kill the President.
The Catholic Church – Pope Paul VI wanted his favourite Catholic to kiss … his ring. That wasn’t gonna happen, so ….
The CIA – The most popular suspect only because it’d have the power to pull off such a sophisticated plot, but more importantly the ability to cover it up. And through its branches, we can connect LBJ, Nixon, Bush Snr., Clay Shaw and Oswald. It’s possible this may only be coincidental but it’s also possible to think otherwise.
The FBI – Kennedy probably found a photo of Hoover in Drag and tried to use it as leverage. Evidence of the picture maybe doubtful but we all know the transvestism wasn’t.
The Illuminati – This is just plain fucking stupid. Something about the Kennedy bloodline and the annual slaughter, sacrifice or ritual or something. I read the first two sentences of the theory then turned the page.
The Ku Klux Klan – The motives are all right there with the gradual Civil Rights movement. But could they’ve pulled it off? Maybe. With help from friends in the Dixie mob, Texas oil business and Jack Ruby. Maybe.
The Mafia – Plausible only in the fact that Jack probably fucked one of their girlfriends. Plausible.
The Military-Industrial Complex – The war companies made a profit of $30 billion thanks to the Vietnam War … and thanks to the end of the guy who said he’d end the Vietnam War.
The Secret Service – There’s two theories out there that Agents Greer and Hickey, independent of eachother, accidentally shot him. And those theories might seem ludicrous if it weren’t for fact that the Service’s actions that day weren’t also ludicrous. I really don’t’ think they were involved in a conspiracy. I’m just dumbfounded over the amount of fuck-up’s they had that day: Why was the car open-top? Why didn’t anyone check the Book Depository or the Grassy Knoll before or during the motorcade? Where were the agents at the rear of the car? Why didn’t the driver protect the President with his body? Such violations of protocol either suggest complete brainlessness, which I and anyone can believe but wouldn’t, or being complicit in a conspiracy, which everyone does believe and why I don’t blame them for thinking so. Regardless of the ludicrous theories, the Service DID ‘accidentally’ assist in his demise. (Also, why didn’t the Dallas Police protect Oswald properly after his arrest?)
The Soviet Union – Wanna know how to end the Cold War? Kill the President.
The Teamsters – Only because we’re still trying to find Jimmy Hoffa’s body that I believe the Labour Unions, with their money, mind and muscle, could pull off something so perfectly. (I still believe the rumour that Hoffa was concreted alive under a major American building, stadium or highway somewhere.)
The Three Tramps – The most mysterious figures in this entire investigation. Three well-dressed, clean-cut ‘tramps’ were hanging around the Grassy Knoll. No one knows who they really were or where they really went. Hmmmmmmmmmmm.
The Umbrella Man – like the Three Tramps, no one knows who he truly was. And why the hell was he opening up on a sunny day? This theory came straight out of a James Bond movie – an explosive dart which was charged up in the umbrella.
Oswald acted alone – I remember watching a video on a Convention of JFK Assassination theorists. There were different types of plenty of people there: pro-Cubans, anti-Cubans, CIA haters, Malcom X theorists, paranoids, ‘Jackie shot her husband’ people, Israelis, Umbrella men, Federal Reserve theorists, etc, all of them sharing documents and discussing ideas, around cheap tables in some indoor Badminton court somewhere in upstate New York. Soon they were all invited onstage to present their ideas at the grand seminar. They all lectured their findings one by one. And then came the one guy who was standing by himself the entire conference. The only clean shaven guy in a suit and tie. And his presentation was the angriest of them all: “OSWALD ACTED ALONE! The Warren Commission is correct. The evidence is irrefutable!” With those sentences he pretty much zapped all the energy outta the room. A few geeks whispered. He seemed like a Dad telling off his sons for playing in the playground far too long. And then he ended his speech. Only two handclaps from the back of the room. Then the Alien theorists came on.
Look, it’s incredibly probable that Oswald alone shot the President. But with that word, ‘probable’, as the Warren Commission report stated, gives about 2% chance that there was another gun involved. But that 2% is more than enough reason for conspiracy theories to flourish. It’s incredibly probable, as the Warren Commission stated, that instructions to assassinate came from Oswald alone. But again, 2% is more than enough reason to somehow include the above suspects.
Since there is a narrow gap of doubt, do I believe in the lone gunman theory? I really don’t know. But if there is one thing that I know for certain (even when we’re presented with all the official government documents scheduled to be released in 2017) is that we will never know 100% for sure what exactly happened and who exactly was involved.
And, with that, no one should ever be offended by conspiracy theories and JFK conventions (and me writing this entry), because it’s all harmless, profitless fun, and above all, since it’s the most expansive Agatha Christie novel never written – the most fascinating to be had with.