100 Days Project

Karma: Buddhism for Assholes

This is a project that's been on my backburner for about two years. So I'm writing everyday for the next 100. In the process I hope to find my way back to my voice, back to my life and back to my practice.
Here's to shaking off Asshole 2.0.

Enough already.

The worst part about having health problems is - only by a very slim margin - being sick. The runner up is having to deal with doctors. They are arrogant fucks that make things so much worse. I'm 45 years old - I know my body. But I'm a girl, so of course I don't. Obviously I'm an idiot.

I've had certain symptoms for more than 30 years, but they never listen. The symptoms are ignored for a fair number of years, until the problem becomes a PROBLEM and then it becomes a whole thing. Do they EVER listen when I remind them I've had the problme for 30 years? No. I'm a girl and an idiot and not a doctor. 

It drives me up a fucking wall. I am crawling out of my skin about it and have no idea how to deal with it. It causes frustration spillover into the rest of my life. And even just my stupid day. I don't want to be patient with them because I AM THE PATIENT. 

Of course this doesn't serve me. But neither does my patience. Writing it down isn't helping much either - though I'm glad I can tick off on my calendar that I wrote. 

I can not stand men telling me - no, insisting - something about me when I've been living it for three decades. Especially when I've told them before this is something that's gone on for three decades. It happens over and over again - but I'm at their mercy. 

I hate the doctor that's currently got me aggro. The only thing I enjoy is that he's not going to be able to fix me and it'll annoy him. But he'll find some way to soothe himself eventually. Probably by telling himself that he's right about the cause, even though the problem predates his idea by 20 years. 

I only have a few days to get rid of him - time is bearing down. I wish I could think of one instance in which the doctor was right. At least one was willing to admit he needed to change how he listened to patients. But he was an exception.

Maybe writing this down I feel a little better. But I'm pretty salty - we'll see how long it lasts.

Day 40:

This Day