As long as I’m back at the beginning, I’m going to spend some time writing about that instead of the actual practice. In part, because I’m still just finding my way back to it and understanding why I’ve been so reluctant.
Today I was thinking about the very basic issue of taming the mind. The thing that’s impacted me most about the last few months (or years) is that I think I’ve sort of liked indulging in thoughts that were causing me to suffer more than necessary. As I write this, however, I wonder if the anti-practice has helped move me forward in some ways. I left a city I hated (more on that another time – probably more than anyone would ever care about). I’ve worked hard to make my new apartment a place I like and can call home. (I’m still shooting for magic.) And even back here. Eventually. Maybe it’s the kick in the pants I had to give myself.
Mostly it feels like lost time. How did that much time actually pass? How did I let my head get the best of me for so long?
The only thing I know is that I woke up a couple mornings again and realized what I needed. It wasn’t a boy or a bigger apartment or even to be healthy. It was time to reign in my mind and stop letting it get the best of me. And the last few days have been better. Less anxiety. Less worst-case scenarios. Less romanticizing people – one in particular.
I think this is the real beginning. Wanting to work toward taming my mind. I don’t remember the last time I even wanted to be free of the thoughts that have been nagging me the last few years. And most of my life.
So I feel a little broken and without direction. But that’s better than charging ahead toward shit that just ain’t good for me.