Now this is the story all about how
My life got flipped, turned upside down
Not quite yet. Soon. Probably.
I haven't really tackled who I am and what I'm doing and how I ended up here (again, even). I've narrowed it down to two specific reason - though I'm pretty sure it all adds up to bullshit laziness and avoidance.
I've been paid to write since I was 20. Real paid, real money. I didn't write in coffee houses (as I'd fantasized). I didn't secret away poetry in the middle of the night). I wrote, I got paid. I've been a professional writer for more than 23 years.
But when my life blew up I needed a new approach. I fought to make sure I didn't make the same choices as I had the first time around. I'll go into more detail at another time, but I knew I was getting a second chance. And I'm not a girl to squander chances. Especially second ones.
I needed to get out of my head. I started creating things - it was hard and didn't come naturally and I was pretty much shit at it. But it opened up so much for me. So I stopped writing. And by the time I was ready to get back to it, I came to the stark conclusion that this art had become commerce. No deadlines. No checks. Nothing.
Worse still - this time around the narrative is different. I used to be glib and clever with a hint of shallow. It was all style, no vulnerability, no depth. That was me, Asshole 1.o. So I'm trying to reach those places now. Be glib and clever but a little more vulnerable.
But, yo, it's a fucking fight. So there will be payoff, I can feel it in my bones. If I can just fight through the malaise and sabotage, I think I might be somewhere.
Whether you bear with me is inconsequential, franklly. I have to bear with me.