100 Days Project

Karma: Buddhism for Assholes

This is a project that's been on my backburner for about two years. So I'm writing everyday for the next 100. In the process I hope to find my way back to my voice, back to my life and back to my practice.
Here's to shaking off Asshole 2.0.

Now this is the story all about how
My life got flipped, turned upside down

Not quite yet. Soon. Probably.

I haven't really tackled who I am and what I'm doing and how I ended up here (again, even). I've narrowed it down to two specific reason - though I'm pretty sure it all adds up to bullshit laziness and avoidance.

I've been paid to write since I was 20. Real paid, real money. I didn't write in coffee houses (as I'd fantasized). I didn't secret away poetry in the middle of the night). I wrote, I got paid. I've been a professional writer for more than 23 years.

But when my life blew up I needed a new approach. I fought to make sure I didn't make the same choices as I had the first time around. I'll go into more detail at another time, but I knew I was getting a second chance. And I'm not a girl to squander chances. Especially second ones.

I needed to get out of my head. I started creating things - it was hard and didn't come naturally and I was pretty much shit at it. But it opened up so much for me. So I stopped writing. And by the time I was ready to get back to it, I came to the stark conclusion that this art had become commerce. No deadlines. No checks. Nothing.

Worse still - this time around the narrative is different. I used to be glib and clever with a hint of shallow. It was all style, no vulnerability, no depth. That was me, Asshole 1.o. So I'm trying to reach those places now. Be glib and clever but a little more vulnerable.

But, yo, it's a fucking fight. So there will be payoff, I can feel it in my bones. If I can just fight through the malaise and sabotage, I think I might be somewhere.

Whether you bear with me is inconsequential, franklly. I have to bear with me.

Day 16:

Who You?