For a long time I’ve considered myself to be manufactured. Which, in my perspective, is a close sibling of manipulative. I mostly use my powers for good, but only because nothing ever really works out for me when I use them for evil. In these situations, I tend to be on the crushing side of instant karma. (And more on my belief in karma another day.)
It’s also worth noting that I don’t consider myself to be particularly complicated. About 98% of the time, I will any question with complete honesty. If a friend likes a dress but it makes her ass look big, I’ll tell her. If a friend already bought the dress, I likely won’t. She already bought the thing, what’s the point?
But sometimes I get hinky. Usually in my dealings with guys. I don’t know. Commitment gives me the sweats (not monogramy; more of the only-you-forever variety). I stutter and stammer and twitch. But every so often one comes around and he gets to me more than the others. And then I get super hinky. I don’t return calls or I wait to return them for no real reason other than being hinky. I don’t even know why I’m having such a tough time articulating it.
It maybe boils down to this: I act inauthentically. It’s never anything bad or even good. It’s just good old fashioned squirrely. Two men in recent history are the recipients of this ridiculousness and I don’t even really know why. We can explore that at a later time too. One forgives the hinky, but gets frustrated. One flat-out won’t tolerate it.
Here’s the thing: They’re both kind of back in my life again right now (not romantically). And as I’m trying to be more present and looking at the way I behave for clues to quiet the noise – the timing couldn’t be more perfect.
But it’s MURDER, these two boys who see through my bullshit. So it’s a great vantage point for the practice – and it IS practice. I’m pretty sure the squirreliness comes from the noise. This could be a serious blow to Asshole 2.0.